As I sat in a restaurant seeking inspiration for the next instalment of this travelogue, my muse graced with a large family of American tourists on their first night in Paris. Having come to this city to see the sights, experience the culture and taste the cuisine, it was only natural that they come to the Chicago Pizza Pie Factory. To watch them order was the first highlight. Despite the protestations of the waiter that he was from New York, the patriarch of the family proceeded… to … talk… very… slowly…and… en-un-ci-ate. Or maybe I misunderstood the exchange and all New Yorkers are mentally retarded? It might explain why the waiter also proceeded… to … talk… very… slowly…and… en-un-ci-ate.
My favourite part of the conversation that I was rudely eavesdropping in on, was the exclamation by the eldest daughter of the family, when she realised that Wow! They were in France and they were eating french fries! What a coincidence!
I nearly choked on my beer.
And so, without further ado, I present you with:
Paris – A Visitors Guide
1. Upon arrival you may wish to take a taxi. Go to the taxi queue and politely ignore anyone along the way who offers you a taxi. These touts operate illegally and make their money by picking up unsuspecting tourists and charging them triple.
2. Remember this simple axiom. The Parisian tourist board loves the money tourists bring in. Parisians themselves like the fact that they have work because tourists come to their city, but they hate tourists themselves. This will explain a lot of things you see.
3. Never wear sandals. Remember my story about the dog crap?
4. You will have a hard time as a vegetarian, even the salads have meat in them.
5. Unless you are rabidly anti-smoking, allergic to smoke and literally prone to dying from the inhalation of second-hand cigarette smoke always ask for a smoking table at a restaurant. They are the best tables and, in some cases, the only tables. Otherwise you will be stuck right at the back, next to the kitchens or the toilets or even, as in one case, asked to sit outside in the pouring rain. It isn’t worth it.
6. In the popular areas, although the waiters and waitresses speak English, they will pretend otherwise. So don’t speak to them as if they are idiots or insult them, they will understand you and make you suffer. I’m sure you can imagine what can be added to a cream of mushroom soup.
7. I have observed many American tourists blatantly ignoring what is on the menu and ordering what they fancy. Here some advice: You are not in Burger King. If the menu is hand-written, the chef has compiled it himself, based on what is fresh on that day and what he feels would be a good culinary combination. To ignore this and to order a variant or something completely different is to insult the chef. Remember what I said about the cream of mushroom soup.
8. Yes, the Parisian MacDonald’s does sell beer, they do called a quarterpounder a Royale, and they just call them fries not french fries. Get over it.
9. No, you cannot see everything in the Louvre on one day and the trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower is not worth it. If you want a great view go to the Tour Montparnasse instead.
10. If a local says or does something you disapprove of, fit in. Sneer at them. No more is needed.
6 Responses to “Paris – A Visitors Guide”
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Apologies for so rudely reading your journal and commenting on what you’ve written. I was a little bored and decided to view a random journal as I do from time to time. Yours is what came up. I’ve been reading through a few of your entries and must say that I enjoy your writing style. It’s too bad I’m in the States. You might dislike me for that.
I can’t say I’ve ever been to Paris, or even gotten out of the US (yet) but your guide makes perfect sense. I actually think stupidity is common among tourists, no matter from where they originate and where they go. I used to work at Walt Disney World, which is a popular attraction in Florida, USA and drew many of the same conclusions. If only I knew how to not be a tourist when out touring.
Thanks for responding, it’s nice to know people are reading my journal.
I am in no way prejudiced against Americans, only against ignorance.
Tourists all over have a tendency to be rude, obnoxious bores, trampling their way through a foreign culture with little regard for their surroundings. It can be excused due to lack of experience and not all tourists behave this way, but when it does happen it certainly does stand out.
Out of curiosity, you’re rather well-travelled and seem to have many wonderful experiences. From where do you originate and how is it that you’ve had such an opportunity to experience a large part of the world?
I’m not quite sure, but it seems to me that it’s easier to see more countries over in Europe and Asia because some of them are rather small and close together. In some ways it could be compared to visiting different states within the US, minus the language barrier. I must admit though, that some parts of the US speak a much different American English than others. I’ve done a bit of travel here, but am looking forward to the opportunity of getting a world view. I’m still quite young and hope to have much time to travel.
Sorry about the late reply, work does get in the way sometimes. And it is precisely due to my work that I travel so much these days. Wherever my employer wishes mto send me, there I go with a smile and a laptop. (The former of those two is optional).
Before that, I travelled a lot with my parents between Scotland, England and Germany, not to mention holidays all over the rest of Europe.
Travelling is a wonderful thing. It’s great to see and experience different cultures and people, it really expands the horizons and increases understanding.
So, any chance you’ll be in the States soon?
I won’t know until I get the command to go forth and be profitable I’m afraid. The downside of my job is the unpredictablility. Coincididently, it’s also the plus-side.
I’d like to go to the States, mainly because I haven’t been there before, but the country as a whole intrigues me, as do the differences in culture. So many myths and stereotypes are generally flung around about America and the Americans, it’d be good to see for myself.
My favourite witticism of this kind is this: The difference between Europeans and Americans is that Europeans think 100 miles is a long way and Americans think 100 years is a long time.